Living in the Fridge

By | October 22, 2005

This past week something magical happened in Millet. Anyone who has seen our garage knows that my Dad never throws anything out. There are walls in there I haven’t seen since I was a youngin’, and every few years another foot of junk grows and decreases our storage space a little bit more. There have been times a wall became visible, but it was quickly occupied by the latest garage sale find or highway pickup.

The house is not as bad, as the policy of “If we can’t see it, it doesn’t exist” comes into play. The four-level split house has a hierarchy of organization. The upper floors are clean but the further you go down, the worse it gets. When something reaches the basement it is destined to be there forever. Today though, an appliance older than me was moved outside.

We have had this fridge in the basement for the last ten years. Dad wasn’t sure where it came from, but it was probably from one of our neighbors. What are we going to do with this old dishwasher? Give it to the Gursky’s, they will take anything! It was a great place to store various items, but has recently become a dying ground. I’m not sure the exact contents of the fridge, but Dad was paying several bucks a month to ensure what was growing in the fridge didn’t multiply under the right temperatures.

I wish I was lying on this next statement, but the last time anything went into or out of the fridge was over a year ago. I made the mistake of opening it up a few times last year and quickly shut the door and stayed clear of the fridge. I didn’t address it’s presence and it didn’t unleash whatever hell kitten was growing in there. This was the agreement.

Dad had the pleasure of cleaning the contents of the fridge on Thursday and I am glad I wasn’t there because no one should share in that experience. With the fridge defrosted and sludge oozing out of the beasts belly we relocated it outside and one step closer to the dump. I have told myself that whatever happened I would make sure I had a spotless garage and a clean house, today I have made a vow to tend to appliances or else they may attack. I will leave you all with a snippet of a fitting Weird Al Yankovic song:

There’s something weird in the fridge today.

I don’t know what it is.
Food I can’t recognize
My roommate won’t throw a thing away.
I guess it’s probably his.
It looks like it’s alive
And living in the fridge

There’s something gross in the fridge today.
It’s green and growing hair.
It’s been there since July
If you can name the object in that baggie over there
Than mister you’re a better man than I

…I wrote five paragraphs about a fridge. This is a friggin’ fridge people and I am writing a novel about it…I hope you are just as disturbed by this as I am.

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